Good morning all, Its a cold winter morning, just 9 degrees Fahrenheit here in Massachusetts. The sun is shining, we have not yet had a snowfall of more than a dusting. THe rest of the country and much of Europe have been digging out for over a month, one can truly see how the earth's changes are affecting us. According to the Mayan calender and predictions, the magnetic poles are switching... we are experiencing strange weather patterns, lots of earthquakes, and who knows what all is coming.
Meanwhile, we have daily life to attend to, and it is the holiday season. Personally I have found this hard for years, as my family has never really celebrated and it was only 3 of us for a long time, while all around people gathered in large family groups and did a huge Christmas thing, spending lots of money and enjoying something I only wished to experience. This added to my already 'outside looking in' feeling that I have had all my life concerning most things.
Darker days, and deep bone-chilling cold, I hibernate through most of it, sleeping a lot, and feeling drugged through much. Is this my Fibro, or S.A.D., or just my protection from feeling left out? All of the above in some way or other I think.
Then I turn around and think, well, I am actually glad that I feel differently from most people, I am am Indigo, I have premonitions, I am in love with nature and have found my path through all my loves of making things and feeling crystals and loving herbs and the moon and all the phases and the magical things of the unseen dimensions... I am a pagan. And I celebrate Yule, as a celebration in the middle of the coldest darkest time, the return of the light on Sostice, having a tree and feeling in touch with nature and her cycles.
I only wish I could celebrate openly with understanding from others, instead of condemnation. I wish my family understood and would join me. But it is what it is.
This year I have my son Ryan here, and now he is experiencing life with my mother to be even more exasperating than I have ever described to anyone else. I feel so sad that we are not being able to do happy things together, that life revolves around the lack of money in this house, that I feel I must hide anything I buy to do fun stuff with because I will be pointed at with the 'where did the money for THAT come from, when you can't pay your bills or any of what you owe ME'. I have in my closet the makings for bird feeding stuff, and have yet to do it because of that.
Surviving on Disability, KNOWING in my HEART that I can do more, that I can make a living at things I am good at instinctively if given the space physically and emotionally to do so, it makes me crazy.
And yet, If I believe, as I do, that we make our own lives, create our own experiences, then it is in my hands to change all this. The question is how... and I know that answer too. Having the energy and the focus to do it, daily, ignoring the negativity all around me with concentration and feeling the true joy in my heart... That is where I falter... Often falling asleep as I meditate and do my envisioning how I know the true spirit of those around me is, it is a tough job to follow through on. Yet I know its even tougher to remain with things the way they are.
So as in all things, it is one day at a time, one step at a time... reaching for the better feeling, the thoughts and ideas that fuel my passion, knowing this will change things even though I cannot yet see the physical manifestation of it .
